Surveys

Alcoholoroscopes

Last Updated Mar 2008
By: Host

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don'tknow when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them proneto closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they getmighty flirty after a coupleof tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is agood way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whateverhappened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can becounted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone and doneanything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aimingfora mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicatedTaurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriatewho spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers,the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shotsand barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say thatthe Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A squiffy Taurus willget, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some would say) and is extremelyamusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior much--they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's justhard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse andallusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely advanced stateof intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's possess the magic abilityto flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) withseveral people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round-- repetition is boring -- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks:beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with dinneror an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it,Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs mustguard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret partiesand insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in trueHollywood style,Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"(read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swappingstories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favoriteSagittarius. Even your second-favorite Sagittarius will do. The sign also rules
the flavor cranberry, and you'd be adored if you served up a cranberry and Sky
vodka.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they're often fabulousdancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commandingdignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware they're darling- Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probablybecause they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed,expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the one who brought them.But Leo's not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignoreit (try harder, Cancer) and expect a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to makeit up to you the next day.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order ontotheirbender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking lessthan other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze neat,to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely getfully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the intellect,but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose whenwalloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friendused to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low level of intelligencetonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it'sjustthat I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party,mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (withInsta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libraside (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really worka room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control,however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including wearingtheir wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with theirbest friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events entirely.Oops!

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'llsmirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're hog-whimperingdrunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you ifyou have a problem with that. Most of them see the sauce as somethingto savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering tool - though ifdepressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally,they're fascinating drinking pals, brilliantconversationalists and dizzyingflirts. They also remember everything -- especially what you did when youwere blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness:When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many oftheir own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with.This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from thesign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?).They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade theentire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub, or a playground,or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility
of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call with a Cancer after a
few Coronas).

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,steadfast,money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off the astrologicalcocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox,not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerfuland seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make moneybeing themselves, who are you to quibble? But just like most rock stars,they're either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a littlesocial lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially ifthey can hook up with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don 't go together that well(exceptfor water, that is). They have an innate tendency towardknow-it-allism,and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more stubborn than a stainor a stone. If they're throwing a party or organizing an outing, however,they're too preoccupied with their duties to get combative and they makeperfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they're usually capitaldrink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can getthem before they start raising their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunkpeople and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangerswhile sober.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard thatyoushare a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, LizaMinelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves inthe dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they buildup a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On theother hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversationor in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcherof margaritas and wind up in bed together for days. The phrase "addictivepersonality" can be read two ways you know.

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Recent Comments

Where is the Libra?? Ya can't just leave those people out unless of course they just don't drink and that's it??

Posted By: Kala E on Oct 2007
where's libra
Posted By: taty o on Oct 2007
Where's Sagitarrius???
Posted By: Rachel C on Oct 2007
Where is the Libra?? Ya can't just leave those people out unless of course they just don't drink and that's it??
Posted By: Kala E on Oct 2007
Wheres the one for Libra???
Posted By: Sarah J on Jan 2008
Libra is right underneath Virgo. In the same paragraph. And fuck, it fits.
Posted By: Amber P on Mar 2008
I'm Libra, and unfortunately it can't be more right on! :)
Posted By: Amanda K on Aug 2008
I'm Libra, and unfortunately it can't be more right on! :)
Posted By: Amanda K on Aug 2008
im a scorpio... and im like an alcoholic hahaha how true i drink a bottle of vodka every day and then a couple appletinis!
Posted By: s c on Aug 2008
I'm also a libra and find this dead on the mark~
Posted By: t m on Sep 2008
hehehe.......I'm a scorpio, and that pretty much describes me perfectly
Posted By: L D on Oct 2008
haha, im libra too and this was so incredibly true.
Posted By: v b on Jan 2009
ummm, libra is seventh down... unless youre also too drunk to count, let alone read the fucking thing....
Posted By: Keith III T on Feb 2009
ima libra and this thing is true about me
Posted By: lexxy c on Apr 2009
im a leo, damn this thing is good.
Posted By: brenna g on Apr 2009
cancer, that fits very well
Posted By: C R on May 2009
I'm a leo too, and yes it is good. I looked at the virgo and libra for people I know, and they are perfect too!
Posted By: Jess K on Jun 2009
Im sagittaruis an its so true thats all me.
Posted By: ashley b on Oct 2009
Haha Virgo sounds interesting. Can't wait to get wasted to find out :D
Posted By: Nunya B on Feb 2010
Haha Virgo sounds interesting. Can't wait to get wasted to find out :D
Posted By: Nunya B on Feb 2010
Virgo, so not true.
Posted By: rebecca r on Apr 2010
Virgo not so true. What's dead on the mark is Scorpio, oh god can Scorpios drink a lot. Lol.
Posted By: Drea O on Jul 2010
LOL. Aries was so right for me. XD
Posted By: Angie B on Jul 2010
That aquarius crap is bullshit. I drink more and harder then any of these others lol so ya. Fix that
Posted By: J C on Aug 2010
That aquarius crap is bullshit. I drink more and harder then any of these others lol so ya. Fix that
Posted By: J C on Aug 2010
That aquarius crap is bullshit. I drink more and harder then any of these others lol so ya. Fix that
Posted By: J C on Aug 2010
That aquarius crap is bullshit. I drink more and harder then any of these others lol so ya. Fix that
Posted By: J C on Aug 2010
That aquarius crap is bullshit. I drink more and harder then any of these others lol so ya. Fix that
Posted By: J C on Aug 2010
That aquarius crap is bullshit. I drink more and harder then any of these others lol so ya. Fix that
Posted By: J C on Aug 2010
That aquarius crap is bullshit. I drink more and harder then any of these others lol so ya. Fix that
Posted By: J C on Aug 2010
i'm a scorpio i drink everday, i go threw almost a 30 pack a night and love it
Posted By: logan c on Nov 2011
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